he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
