I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
