im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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