38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
