Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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