I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
