Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
