sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
