i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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