Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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