I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
