I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
