sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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