You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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