I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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