I got chris browned last night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Randomize
