my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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