he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
