How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
