I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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