i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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