Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
