Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'