Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
