she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
