is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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