Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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