i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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