he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
