my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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