Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
