I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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