Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
