The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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