Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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