Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
