I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
