My first STD was from a foam party
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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