Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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