What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
