A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
