i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
