I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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