I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
