i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He better not be in your backpack
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
