my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
