she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
