I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
