look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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