I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
