if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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