Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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