Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
