I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
