see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
